12 Ways to Kill a Gopher

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Okay, so this is totally unrelated to anything to do with World War II…but for research purposes…and for something that is too difficult to explain…I had to look up methods for killing moles and/or gophers. Since moles did not fit the analogy I was researching for my book, I decided to take the gopher route. Here is what I learned.


Lovely drawing of a gopher. Sear this image into your head.

12 ways to kill a gopher:

1: Throw them a house-warming party by gassing their house with car exhaust.

2: Lure them out of their tunnel by offering them a cigarette. All gophers have a weakness for a good smoke (obviously. Why else would a person back their car up to a gopher hole, stick a tube down in it and step on the gas?) As soon as the little bastage puts the butt in his mouth, throw the matches in a metal trap you have laying nearby. Gets them Every. Single. Time.

3: Get them drunk with rat poison. Or rum. (“But why is the rum gone?!”) But beware, if your dog decides to cook  a gourmet gopher meal for his labra-doodle girlfriend with the same gopher, they will both get food poisoning.

4: Drown them. With presents. And cake.

5: Roll him up into a wrapper and smoke the gopher yourself. It’s a fetish for some gophers.

6: Release a predator into their den. Then call Chris Hansen.

7: Use a repellant, like those hideous jeans you wore in high school.

8: Use a “gopher basket” and plant some red roses. Kill the roses. Mrs. Gopher will see these now black roses and take offense, moving out and divorcing Mr. Gopher. You will, of course, have to supply 6-months worth of vodka and ibuprofen via that tube you tried to gas him with earlier. To me, this option is more trouble than it’s worth.

9: Plant a euphemism. Or something like that. I may have gotten that one wrong.

10: Feed him JuicyFruit gum for two weeks. Then when he asks you for a piece at the beginning of week 3, tell him you haven’t gotten any. Pointedly let him see you give a piece to the squirrel across the street. This will both confuse and anger him.

11: Hire a professional. Nothing enrages a gopher like a bulldozer who can do the job better than he can.

12: Shoot them. Gophers aren’t photogenic and they are painfully aware of this. Put an ad up on Craigslist and offer free pizza to anyone willing to pretend to be paparazzi in your front yard for a day. Before you know it, a small black limo will pull up, your gopher will walk out in a hat and sunglasses out the back, hop into the car, never to be seen again.

I hope this helped you as much as it helped me.


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